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What Exactly Is Submarining and Its Effect On Dating?

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Submarining is similar to ghosting in the sense that the person you are dating goes silent and into a state of nothingness, leaving you hanging. It is similar to the person having a submarine and then just went under water with it and not able to contact you. So, it is ghosting. However, it has more watery images. But, after months later, the person emerges from their underwater escape and comes right back into your life.

It is much like when those sailors were shipped out to sea and gone under for some secret mission, only to triumphantly come back and unable to share the secrecy of the mission, but expect you to understand.

The Disappearing Act

In comparison to ghosting, submarining is similar to when the person you are dating suddenly disappears out of thin air and doesn't give a reason why. After disappearing, they suddenly reappear and gives no reason for their weird actions either. It is as if they were just lurking somewhere undercover and then return with the expectation that you still had a romantic interest while they were gone. To put it simple, submarining is when the person you are dating shows you that they are a ghoster by disappearing and reappearing a few months later and asking you for a date, treating it casually as if nothing is wrong and you should just accept it and act as if everything is OK.

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Resurfacing After a Disappearance

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If you thought naively that all the cute names given for the appalling dating behaviors displayed by some, you are mistaken because yet another name has surfaced and this time, it is 'submarining.' This word was coined to explain the new dating trend.

When someone that you hooked up with vanishes and there is no trace until the person resurfaces again and starts sending you text messages and email messages without any previous warning, this could infuriate you because they act like nothing really happened.

Navigating The Dating World

Just when you would have thought that navigating the murky waters of contemporary dating is complicated enough; there comes the terrible trend that has reared its ugly head, putting so much more complication in dating. This latest dating trend is a maritime way to mess with the individual you have hooked up with. And it is not cool because the person disappears for quite an extended period of time and then resurfaces randomly, sending a message like "Hi, whatz up?" This type of dating trend is similar to zombie-ing like when your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend applies the ghost trend to the relationship only to return, acknowledging that they have been absent, but wants to get back on track with the relationship. However, with submarining, you don't get the apology that should be forthcoming from their being missing in action. The person thinks it is quite OK to pop back into your life as if there was nothing odd about their departure.

Going Through the Initial Shock

It is clear that this is not a good thing to do to anyone. If you are the one who has been submarined, you can go through shock at first and it is quite upsetting. Whether you give a response to this interruption or not is going to depend on the specifics of the situation. Sadly, you cannot do much of anything initially to prevent this from happening, unless you are going to block the person from all your social media platforms. Anyone who has submarined you is not worthy of being in your company anyway. At least, you can take comfort in that. With that being said, if you are caught in this situation, the ideal solution is to move on. Find another person to date that will treat you better.

Giving Excuses for the Long Absence

In comparison with zombie-ing, the person disappears rudely from your life, but does come back months later with some kind of excuse, even if it is lame. They trump up some excuse that justifies their long absence. Unfortunately, the person that submarines you will resurface with absolutely no explanation, no apology and no acknowledgment that they have been absent from your life. They will leave you hanging without any attempt of saying that they were sorry. When you are the one being zombied, it is difficult to understand why this person just left suddenly and then wants to hit you up again and expect you to just embrace them as if you have no feelings.

The Zombie and the Submarine Explained

The zombie and submarine are in the same murky waters, but the zombie might find various excuses to tell you, even if it means lying about work or some other drama. The zombie will be the first to confess that they had bailed on you. The submariner is not going to admit or confess anything. After leaving for sea, the submariner might feels he was on a mission that you should understand. You will get a text or email, even though, the last email or text message you sent them was unanswered and instead of responding to your messages, the submariner completely ignores it and sends you a fresh, new message as if they were the ones contacting you in the first place.

The Elephant in the Room

People who practice 'submarining' have absolutely no shame. They make no excuses nor do they give an apology. All that is offered to you is an invitation to start things back up again. They might ask you out to dinner or a movie with the expectation that you will forget about their absence and just embrace them without an explanation. You will never hear, 'I am very sorry.' You will never hear, 'I wish I had gotten back to you, but....' Instead, the submariner will say something like this, 'Because I know you love to watch scary movies, would you fancy seeing that new scary movie that just came out this weekend?' They expect you to give a resounding positive response to the movie invitation, overriding the fact that there was a 'big elephant' in the room that has not been discussed.

The Selfish Submarine

The submariner sees their bad behavior as being normal. They tend to be selfish individuals who only have a 'ME' agenda. You are not the most important person in their book. They act as if they are a gift to you and don't consider the relationship to be as important as you make it out to be. They don't put any importance to the dating relationship, but think that they can go in and out of your life without having to be accountable. You are going to have to be the one to demand accountability from the submariner. Don't let their personality dominate your better judgment. You should ask for an explanation of what they were doing while spending the time away from you. Don't assume anything. Ask questions and don't carry on with everything as if all is well and the person's absence is normal.

Get Things Out in the Open

It is recommended that you don't treat submarining as if it is no big deal. Instead of picking up where you guys left off before the submariner left, be adamant about getting things out in the open, discussing it to find out where the relationship is currently at. Yes, the submariner is going to act as if everything is normal and OK. But, are you going to accept such terrible behavior? If you do, then it means that you have not set any boundaries to what you will tolerate from another human being. You don't have to put up with this kind of shitty behavior. You need to put your feet down. So instead of accepting their invitation for a dinner date or movie, send a text message, email message or make the phone call and ask, "Are you kidding? You left for xxxxx months and then walk back into my life and request a date without explaining where the f****k you were? You seriously expect me to just pick up where we left off - just like that after so many months of disappearance?" You can bet that he or she will be taken aback by your bold statement and approach.

Find Out the Real Reason

People who have used the submarining tactic on you will tend to try to hide the real reason for their disappearance or they will gloss over everything. Could it be that the submariner disappeared to date someone else while you waited? It is possible that they chose to leave you and go date someone else, but it didn't pan out and so they came back with their tail between their legs, expecting you to take them back. And since they might not want to admit the real truth of wanting to date other people, they might end up choosing to submarine instead, hoping that you will fall for their actions.

Is It Due to a Sense of Entitlement?

Now why is this submarining trend such a problem? Let us take a look. Dating in modern times comes with some complications, even more so than it did to other generations in the past. There are things that our ancestors did not have to deal with. However, the modern culture has created so many dating trends that have complicated things and made it so problematic for this generation. One of the reasons is due to the fact that this generation seems to have a sense of entitlement and self-absorption. People who go in and out of your life as if it is OK and do not pay any consequences for their behavior are going to keep doing that to you, assuming that you might not make a big deal out of it. While it is insulting to imply that you will be OK with it, if you allow it to happen, then it is going to happen. You do have options.

Is It Due to a Lack of Respect?

The submariner thinks that you should have a sense of gratitude that they have come back into your life. Who does that, but a narcissistic person? This person lacks respect and character and shouldn't even be given the time of day to come back into your life. He or she is a SOB and should be treated just like a SOB. Don't let this person back into your life, if you want to gain the respect that you deserve. You have to send a message that your time is just as important and that you have no time to waste on someone who does not value your time. It is just disrespectful for someone you are dating to disappear out of your life for months return suddenly and expect to have open arms in welcome and they still don't feel the need to give a good explanation. Not only is this disrespectful, but it can be quite confusing. It would appear as if they had little interest to maintain some type of contact with you so you know what is happening. The question is why would they want to come back and date you out of the blue? Something just doesn't sit right with this.

The Simple Answer

There is a simple answer to this in some cases. It is possible that they are bored out of their wits. They probably need a break from the norm, but are afraid to say so. Or they are just making silent excuses for being a jerk. Or it could be that they think you can't do better and have to welcome them back in your life for that reason.

Final Thoughts

The ideal way to deal with this mess is to demand the explanation. Don't let the person back in until you get a truthful reason for their absence. Don't let them get away with not giving an explanation. Don't accept excuses. And when it comes down to it, let that person exit your life for good. You deserve much better, especially if there is no rhyme or reason for their behavior.

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What Is "Submarining?"? - AdultHookups.com

Learn the ins and outs about submarining and find out how it affects your dating life. When someone disappears and reappears, it is time for answers.

What Is "Submarining?"? - AdultHookups.com